As provocative as it sounds,

Yes, 

I want to talk about tattoo.

Like a legit one.

Because all I want during my student life,

Is a tattoo.

Just a small one.

Let it be a cute one.

Maybe carved on my inner wrist.

Or on my shoulder.

I have always dreamed it 

to take a shape of 

A dandelion.

Or an anchor.

Or a butterfly.

Or a flower.

Whatever it is,

I want it to be just simple,

With no colouring.

Just the ink,

And my skin.

I know its a sin,

To get a tattoo.

As the ablution will not be perfected

With a tattoo in my skin.

And I would never do it.

So thats why after all this time,

Its just a scenario in my head.

I turned to books instead.

Sketching in them.

But thinking about my desire to get a tattoo again after graduating,

I realized something.

Actually I dont really want to have a tattoo.

It’s just that,

I want a permanent thing.

To hold to.

To see it everyday in the same place.

I dont really need a tattoo.

I need a permanent thing that will stay with me.

Without fading.

I need stability so that it won’t go away.

So yeah,

As provocative as this post sounds,

I won’t make a tattoo.

Because it’s not really what I want 

Or need.

I just need something to be permanent in my life.

Be it a thing,

A person,

A pet,

A car,

A job,

A family,

A feeling.

I’m not saying the things should be permanent until the end of a time,

As nothing will last forever.

Except Allah.

I just need them to be with me,

For a long period of time.

That’s it.

She was the kind of girl who no one really noticed at first.

She'd sit there quietly without sound. 

And if you said hi you'd be lucky to get a smile and a nod.

But if you looked closely, 

 you would notice her fingers tapping on the desk,  

playing an imaginary piano.  

You would hear her humming under her breath,  

just loud enough to orchestrate an entire symphony for one 

and avoid the"what are you singing?".  

And if you asked her 

what she thought of'that film 

you'd probably end up talking to yourself,  

because she would much rather 

you ask her opinion on the creation of the universe 

or how war and poverty are justified 

In fact,  

she didn't so mind that no one noticed her,  

because when she was loud

 the ground trembled beneath her feet 

and the mountains echoed her roar.  

Her loudness wasn't something everyone could handle, 

 so when he walked up to her 

and they began talking about the world in all its wonder,  

her heart gave a little sigh,  

as if to say

"Oh,  there you are, I've been looking for you."

As I grew older,

the more I realize that this life is 

planned by a force 

that is far more greater than a human being.

Yes, as a person who trust in an entity called God, 

or in my case,

ALLAH,

Of course I know that.

But to what extend,

I dont quite understand how His Plans happens.

Everything will happens according to what a man can bear,

what a man needs,

what makes a man changes for greater good.

Everything will happens in His Timing.

And in my case,

I always thought that I will never get what I want.

So, I stopped wanting 

Anything.

Because I'm too afraid that I will get hurt.

It's my fault anyway,

For wanting something so much.

But as I grew distant from the things that I want.

Most people said,

Move on.

Till I feel numb.

Nope.

Till I feel nothing.

Then he came.

And everything feels a little bit more intense than before

Maybe its because I've been numb for a long time.

So yeah,

My life will be more epic than a movie.

As it is planned and directed by an entity,

Whose I put all my trust in.

You.

Thanks.

For trying.

Even once.

Even you're scared.

Even when I'm numb.

Here we are.

I really hope we can past through this.

Together.

Forever.

After being immersed in a deep thought,

I came into a conclusion that,

"Not everyone interested in healing other people, 
So stop telling insignificant others your problem."

Kejam kedengarannya.

But it's the truth.

Bukan semua orang yang kita jumpa boleh cope dgn 'a deep personality within us'.




Aku tak kata kau tak boleh talk about your problems.

It's just,

Don't talk to everyone.

Talk only to certain person.

Not everyone is a 'therapist'.

Ada jugak yang 'toxic ones'.

Hahahaha

Aku rasa,

Semua orang ni 'bertopeng'.

Bertopeng untuk menyembunyikan kesedihan masing-masing.

Bertopeng untuk dikatakan 'normal'.

To blend in dlm society,

We've to stop feeling.

As a matter of fact, we've to bottled up the feelings.


Just do normal things,

Laugh on the small jokes,

Join in the gossips,

Ec cetera.



Padahal everyone has scars,

Everyone is fighting a battle

Or battles.


And the only person can save them,

is themselves.


Tuhan takkan ubah nasib sesuatu kaum,

Unless diorg sendiri yang berusaha nak ubah diri diorg.



So now,

Broken people, stand up.

Make strategies.



Raise your swords.

Fight your battles,

Win them.


Jangan berhenti 'merasa',

Jangan kau rasa kesedihan kau tu satu beban.

In fact, kesedihan tu boleh buat kau jadi kuat.



Jangan sebab takde orang nak dengar cerita kau,

Kau senyap.



Talk about your problems.

Find some proper place to vent it all out.

Don't bottled it up.



Trust me,

I've been there.

"There are some people who enter your life like gems.

These are the real diamonds.

They have no ulterior motives,

no inferiority complex,

no superiority complex, 

No need to prove that they are better than you,

or seek to have more than you.

  They don't feel entitled and aren't needy or dependent.

They are not superficial or fake.

They remind you of God and they understand you,

when no other person does.

They don't wear a mask with you or pretend to be perfect.

They are just real with you 

And honestly and sincerely only want good for you.

You feel you can tell them anything 

Without worrying that they will judge you o

Or put you down for being imperfect.

They know your flaws,

 but love you anyway.

And they are loyal.

You know they'll be there for you. 

They'll always have your back.

And best of all, 

Time and distance doesn't change this.

If you've met even one person in your entire life like this,

You're blessed."

Yasmin Mogahed

Based on a bunch of things she said, 

I think I'm blessed.

Blessed by Allah, a companion that remind me to remember Him.

There was a time, 

Where I felt so lost, 

And I know I have to find Him.

I lost myself. I lost my 'boat'.

I was not myself. 

I lived to some people expectations. 

At that time, I know I have to live by Allah's expectation only.

I was a mess. 

I tried to please other people,

Tried to have their attention, 

Just because I felt that,without them

 I will be just a lonely human being.

But then I realized. 

I'm a pathetic. 

I'm a fool. 

I should try to please the one that create me. 

The one that love me most.

I just don't know how to release myself 

From this ties with these humans. 

My feet were tied down. 

Anchored down.

And at that time, 

I asked Allah to show me the way back 'home'.

I asked Allah a new boat so that I can row back to Him.

And He has sent me a guider.

And the guider has a big, strong boat.

And I asked the guider,

"What should I do?

I just want to stay afloat, 

I just want to swim back to my Lord."

And the guider smile,

And she gave me a sharp knife,

 I cut the rope.

And there I was. 

Afloat.

 Alhamdulillah.

But know I have to swim. 

My ship has wrecked. 

And I need some time and material to build new one.

But then the guider said,

"Come aboard. 

Use mine first, 

While you're building yours back."

Without hesitation, I went aboard. 

And she gave me a warm blanket. And a warm drink.

Looking at her strong boat, 

I asked her to teach me how to build one like hers.

And she taught me.

And now, 

I ride my boat proudly. 

Side by side with hers. 

Toward Him.

Ramai yang berkata,

"It's okay, I'm a muslim. Last-last masuk syurga jugak kan?"

Yes,

Ramai di antara kita islam,

Bersaksikan atas dua kalimah syahadah,

Berpaksikan Al-Quran,

Berpanjikan Nabi Muhammad sallallahu 'alaihi wasallam.

Dan kita ini manusia.

Bukan maksum,

bukan malaikat.

Melakukan khilaf saban hari.

Memang kita akan masuk syurga,

Dengan izin dan rahmat-Nya.

Tetapi,

Sedarkah kita?

Bahawa dosa itu satu kekotoran.

Dan Syurga bukanlah untuk si kotor.

Dan di manakah tempat menyucikan dan menyetal kekotoran ni?

Bukan kah di Neraka Jahannam?

Wa iya dzubillah.

Sedarlah,

Syurga itu bukanlah untuk si kotor.

Syurga itu suci.

Sebelum kekotoran kita disental api, 

Di dunia sebelah sana nanti.

Adalah baik jika kita menyucikan sendiri diri kita.

Di dunia ini,

Dengan taubat.

Taubat ada beberapa proses.

1. Rasa sesal atas dosa.

2.Tidak ingin melakukannya lagi.

3.Compensate dosa itu dengan melakukan banyak amal baik.

4.Solat Taubat.

Taklah seteruk mana cara nak sental dosa tu,

If nak dibandingkan dengan Neraka.

And ada jugak yang cakap,

"Aku busy lah. Nanti hujung minggu aku buatlah solat taubat."

The problem is,

Ada ke siapa-siapa yang janjikan kau esok?

Yes, sekarang dah masuk musim luruh.

When you are surrounded by yellow leaves.

And that feeling, bila tengok daun-daun kuning,
Gugur ke bumi.

Pergh. Amazed.



Aku bayangkan,

Alangkah indahnya jika dosa-dosaku,
Ibarat daun-daun yang luruh itu


Allahu.

Limpahkanlah maghfirah-Mu kepada hamb a-hambamu ini.

Biarlah dosa-dosa kami gugur juga.

Janganlah di saat kami bertemu dengan-Mu,

Dengan mengheret beban dosa.

Biarlah di saat kita bersua muka,

Adalah hari terindah kami.




Indah-indah daun kuning,

Ada juga daun-daun yang masih hijau.

Masih belum terkena bahana musim luruh agaknya.



Aku akui,

Yang kuning lagi indah dipandang mata.

Dan yang hijau seolah-olah kehilangan 'charm' nya.

Dan aku terasa situasi ini tidak adil bagi pokok hijau.




Yelah,

Hanya pokok yang kuning sahaja yang mendapat perhatian.



Sehinggalah berkata sahabatku,

"Allah itu Maha Adil,
Nanti bilamana yang hijau menjadi kuning pula,
Yang kuning sekarang ni jadi apa?
Botak kan?"



Tertawa aku mendengarkannya.

Tapi ada betulnya.

Allah itu Maha Adil.

Dan keadilan-Nya melangkaui segenap makhluk,

Dari Timur ke Barat,

Dari Utara ke Selatan.

Dari langit, ke Bumi.



Sedangkan pokok pun dapat merasai rahmat keadilannya,

Kita manusia?

Kita hamba-Nya?


*senyum sambil pandang langit Ilahi*